Part 90: Interview 45 - “I Just Kept Facetanking And It Just Kept Working”
Interview 45 - “I Just Kept Facetanking And It Just Kept Working”Hi there, you sassy sons. I did promise that I'd rocket the fuck out of Sturm this map, so let's not waste any time and get on with it.
So, the advancement is risky; as Dimitri correctly pointed out last time, the three Black Cannons have gigantic interlocking ranges and hurt a lot, 5 damage a pop. And since they go for the most expensive thing, and rockets are pretty expensive, and have low movement...
Yeah, it's not looking good. However, this is why I've got a plan.
First, Eva and Anatoly move up north - from here they're both in range to target and destroy that laser cannon, which we'll need to do if we want to safely attack the Black Cannons.
Dimitri and Boris keep on capturing stuff. Not that Grit needs the money, but hey, I love capitalism and so should everyone else.
Our rocket boys - Valentin, Anton and Mark - partner up with our artillery peeps - Ivan, Peter and Inessa - to begin approaching the Black Cannon entrance. This is why I've got artilleries with me - rockets are more expensive than artilleries, and so the Black Cannons will go for them first. Not only that, but a rocket on 5HP (i.e. 7500 funds) is still more expensive than an artillery, so the cannons are basically going to keep shooting at our rockets until the cows come home whilst the artilleries do all of the actual cannon-destroying.
Yes, I'm a genius. Thank you for noticing.
Drake's just doing whatever. Chances are slim that Sturm's even going to get another Meteor Strike, so there's not really a whole lot he needs to do to contribute. Mulligan's gonna capture a base though, just for something to do.
My first Neotank, Tina, heads into the wilderness alongside Raynald of Châtillon, so I deploy a second. And... oh boy.
"Commander my dude..." Selena says, staring at me with a strange look on her face. Then, she smirks. "Are you... blushing? Anyway, I'm glad you're back. I've missed you... no more or less than anyone else though."
God, that woman confuses me. No. Stop it. Focus on the battle.
Obviously in the case of Eva and Anatoly, we need our rockets, so our More Expensive Bait this time is Tina and Raynald, who will take a hit from the second and third cannons respectively. We only need to buy them one turn to take out the laser cannon, so it's not a huge deal.
At the start of Sturm's turn, the cannons open fire. This happens for the rest of the battle and it is quite annoying.
Valentin takes the first hit, as expected...
...And Tina and Raynald cover for the rocket pals. Great bait, everyone.
This laser cannon fires for the last time. Unfortunately, I may or may not have placed Lucy directly in its range when I was having her retreat last turn, so she's eaten a hefty 5 damage. I mean, I don't need her for anything else in this map, but she could've been decent bait, at least.
Well, no matter. Onwards, ranged units! The quicker these cannons fuck off, the quicker I can stop worrying about them.
and I guess you guys can capture some stuff, sure
Anyway, since the rockets will be entering the inner sanctum-ish area, we should probably get around to taking out this laser cannon.
As usual, two shots is enough to take it out, leaving us free to enter the inner sanctum and start on the cannons.
or it would be if tyres weren't the worst movement type in Advance Wars, godammit
Right, back to the other two COs, who, uh. They're here? They have nothing much to do for the rest of the map. Anyway, Mulligan starts capturing this base.
I bet Drake's units are enjoying a nice break from all the warfare, really.
No such luck for the girls, though. Selena, honey, it's time to bait out cannon fire!
I also had a genius idea. Put Lucy here...
And she and Raynald can join up, once more becoming a highly expensive - and targetable - bomber!
Selena's just in range of the second cannon, and Lucy/Raynald will take the third. I can't keep this up for long, but I need to buy as much time as possible for the rocket and artillery crew.
Sigh. Minicannons, fine. Laser cannons, pretty interesting. But fuck these goddamn Black Cannons. They're just free damage in a frankly ridiculous range, and I've already made my feelings clear on skills/mechanics that are just 'unavoidable free damage'.
It's not even like the cannons do less damage as they get weaker, like regular enemies do. You either destroy it or it inconveniences you for the rest of the map. Having them get less powerful as you attack would at least be nice, so they're not quite as oppressive as 'you occupy the same continent as me, therefore you lose half your HP now'.
To make matters worse, these fuckos are now charging us. Probably offended that we broke their laser cannon. They aren't super threatening since we brought, like, a million rockets, but they still need killing before we can attack the Black Cannons.
So. Let's get on with that.
Mark lands our first hit, though since he's on half HP, it doesn't do nearly as much as I would like. This is OK, though.
This is why we brought artilleries, the best unit in the game. Good job, Ivan!
And, well, seeing as we have two rockets over here with nothing to do, may as well make a start on the enemy forces. Eva and Anatoly begin to slow them down.
Anatoly is technically in rocket range, but bringing them down to 3HP should make them basically a non-issue.
...Yes, I remember what happened the last time I said some rocket units would be fine, but Sturm's not got Meteor Strike right now! At least, I don't think he does. I've not done nearly enough damage to charge it.
Do the Black Hole inventions count towards the power meter? I don't think I've ever checked that.
Anyway, we can join Mark and Anton up to conserve some HP and continue baiting those cannons. Thankfully, one of them will be dead next turn. I also decide to move Peter and Inessa up to help support Ivan in his Black Cannon-destroying quest.
...Oops. Sorry, Peter. There's like, a moderate chance you'll survive this? ...What's the damage of rockets vs artillery again?
Wait, we have Ruin if anything goes wrong. Never mind.
I mean, obviously that's a last resort, but still good to know. Dimitri and Boris keep on, uh, "helping".
Well, two artilleries should be enough to finish off these cannons in a reasonable timeframe.
Mulligan achieves his short-term goal of owning a base. It is... it's a real shame the other armies don't have much to do. There should've been, like, one cannon for each army.
We deploy Lorelei in a sub. I'm not really expecting Sturm to get off a second Meteor Strike, though.
And fuck it, let's have Howard join the party.
"Did I hear that right?" Carter says over the transceiver. "Green Earth's having a party on the beach?"
"No, we're waiting for Grit to finish off the cann-" begins Conrad, but he's cut off by Noah, who is a natural prankster and in an excellent mood.
"Oh, we totally are! Get those sausages on the barbecue, Conrad, it's time for some celebrations!"
"Goddammit, Noah, get your hands off my transceiver, get your own-"
"Ah, the young," murmurs Lorelei, sighing to herself. "They're delightful, when you're not the one who has to deal with their nonsense."
That's a pretty solid amount of expensive stuff. You know, on the off-chance that Sturm does Meteor Strike again.
Well, we joined our bombers, so may as well join our Neotanks too. Tina and Selena are more than happy to team up, I'm sure.
Right. If your cannons could just stop firing for one day, that'd be absolutely wonderful, Sturm.
OK, fuck you too. Gonna break all your cannons now.
The rockets attack Peter as expected. But don't worry, he's fine.
Oh, shit, I did the thing where I assumed the rockets would be fine and forgot they would take a big hit from Sturm! Again!
OK, confession time, everyone. I might be a little rusty.
Eva is also fine.
"Whew, that was rough!" Eva says, bracing herself. "OK, let's not play around any more. Go for broke, everyone - leave those cannons in ruins!"
That's a pretty sound plan to me. Let's do it.
Oh, right, the tank. Yeah, that'll have to go first. Anton/Mark, if you would?
Thanks, boys. Now destroy it, Ivan!
Boom. One cannon down, two to go. Also, we could do with more rockets.
"Hey, sir, we've got a problem!" yelps Alina.
"What's up?" asks Dimitri.
"The order's come in for more rocket-proficient units, but... they're all already deployed. We're out!"
"What? But we need that backup! The cannon fire's only gonna get worse as we get closer to destroying them!"
"What do we do, Dimitri?" asks Alina.
"We've no more rockets, huh..?" murmurs Dimitri, trying to think.
"Actually," a voice says, cutting through the silence. "That's not quite true!"
Dimitri looks up to see a group of yellow-outfitted soldiers marching up to the Blue Moon base. "Is that-"
"Yellow Comet." Rose replies. "We're not being deployed for this battle, so if you need additional units, allow us to fill the space. We fight together, or we lose!"
"Heh. Sounds perfect to me. If you've got soldiers that can man rockets, send 'em out."
"I shall." Rose says, turning to Vanessa, her second-in-command. Vanessa salutes.
"On it!" she barks, spinning on her feet and scanning the Yellow Comet troops. "Dymek, you can use rockets. Get a blue uniform, and off you go!"
"Yes, ma'am! Yes, Rose!" Dymek says, sprinting off. Vanessa widens her eyes.
"You know, I think that's the first time he's followed one of my commands without complaining about it."
Our weakened rocket unit, Mark, can still finish off the enemy rockets, so we've no more ranged threats to worry about. (The missiles are ranged, yes, but they sure as hell aren't threats on a mostly land-based team.)
Eva joins with him to conserve their HP a bit. I'd really like to finish this map soon so I can stop bothering with these godforsaken cannons.
And yes, in case any of you were wondering, Dimitri and Boris are still merrily capturing stuff.
I get that it's necessary for balance that ranged units can't move and shoot in the same turn, but boy does it slow down gameplay when you have mostly ranged units and multiple things you need to destroy with them.
Drake continues building up his tiny army. This is, uh, Petra. Not that it matters, since she won't be doing anything.
Mulligan's coming home now that he's captured that base, too. He's missing Howard.
"A third Neotank?" Dave says as the order comes in. "We don't have anyone else proficient in them! We only got them, what, a couple of months ago?"
"No matter. I suppose I shall have to go." Rose replies, striding up.
Dave looks back at the child stood before him, and nods. "Yeah, sounds reasonable. Crush 'em, Rose."
"I always do." Rose replies, and for the briefest of moments, she gives Dave a smile.
Alright, Sturm. I'll let you have a turn now.
He shot at me and his tank moved forward a bit. It was ~~incredibly exciting~~
You know what else is exciting? Breaking all of Sturm's toys. Get to it, boys! (And Inessa.)
It... does take multiple hits, but...
Eventually Inessa manages to finish the stupid thing off. The missiles aren't a threat, as established, so we can get back to focussing on the cannons now.
Yes, well done, Boris. We're all very proud.
Grit's turn is over, time for some completely inconsequential turns.
Henry got deployed! Completely inconsequentially, but at least he can join the beach party now.
That said, I'm really not sure why you'd ever need to bring missiles to a beach party. I'd love to see the volleyball game where missiles are allowed.
OK, I guess Max does some consequential things, like bringing Rose in to bait stuff. But like, come on. It's pretty inconsequential.
And then it's the turn of the most inconsequential character of all - Sturm. All he does is cannon Rose in the face. Back to you in the studio, Grit!
Grit's ignoring me, but he probably said something like "Aw hootenanny shucks, my dude, this here lil' studio is all ready to varmint on Sturm's parade, y'all."
Yes Dimitri, you can capture things. We know.
Y'know, if I poke these missiles just a bit, it'll give me juuuust enough damage...
To do THAT.
Actually, he can't even run. All of his units are kind of trapped here. Fish in a barrel - go nuts, Grit.
We get +2 range and a damage boost, and unfortunately the +2 range isn't terribly useful. The extra damage is going to be really nice though, for reasons we shall see next time Sturm gets to do something.
This may look like the +2 range is helping, but nope, Mark/Eva could've hit this without the help. Grit's rockets just have stupid ranges to begin with, and Super Snipe turns them up to absolutely improbable ranges. However, crucially, they get big damage on the rightmost Black Cannon.
Ivan does a good chunk of damage to the middle one, too. We're basically done here, besides the formality of, y'know, actually finishing the map.
He may be on 2HP, but god be damned if Peter doesn't want to help kill these cannons. Good lad.
Thanks to Yellow Comet, Casildo is also deployed as a Blue Moon rocketeer. We didn't actually need him in the end, but hey ho.
Next turn, this will all be over. If these cannons stop being assholes.
The party continues to get fucking lit. I hear that Lorelei's smoking the good stuff in the depths of her submarine with a few of the boys.
And on Max's side, our Neotanks merge once more.
"Goodness, this is tight lodgings." Rose says as she drops into the tank cockpit. "Selena, Tina, how are you faring?"
"Perfectly fine!" Tina says, grinning. "I think there's a huge-ass cannon pointed our way, though. Ready to get blown to pieces?"
"Alongside you two?" Selena replies. She smiles. "I was born ready."
Right, that's all the prep done. Cannons, I will say it again: please do not be assholes.
The cannons are not assholes! One shoots Dymek, the other shoots Tina/Selena/Rose, which means our actual attacking force is completely fine.
So, hey. Let's skip to the good part. One attack from Mark/Eva and one attack from Ivan later...
YEEEEEAH! Fuck you, Sturm! I mean, I'd celebrate more, but this was an easy map. Next one's going to be like sixteen times as hard to compensate, I'm sure.
Wall of text incoming.
Did you leak intel on the missile platform to the enemy as I ordered?BH Soldier: Yes, sir. We let one soldier be captured. He will tell all in his interrogation.
Good. It’s time to end this game. Order all units to the platform.BH Soldier: Yes, sir!
They will follow the trail all the way to the missile platform. My best troops will greet them there with a storm of death. Then, before their very eyes, I will launch our missiles.
The enemy’s constructing a missile platform?
Yes. They’re planning to launch missiles at Cosmo Land and other continents.
Oh, shit.
Is this intel reliable? We heard it from a captured soldier. Intel we gathered on our own confirms his story.
What are we waiting for? We have to attack that missile platform!
It’s not that simple, Andy.
It’s not? Why? Oh god, Dipshit’s stupidity is contagious.
‘Cause it might be a trap.
You’ve confirmed the intel, correct? As much as I don’t like it, if a captured soldier said it, it’s probably fairly reliable, at least.
Would a soldier who’s fought so long break so easily? I wonder…
I think it’s best to assume that it’s a snare.
Well, even so, we can’t sit in port forever. We need to end this quickly while troop morale is high.
Hmmm… Aaaaah! I can’t stand it! How long are we gonna talk about this?! Can someone please remind me how Dipshit even became a CO? If the enemy’s at the missile platform, then let’s blast it to bits! Andy, your mouth’s gettin’ ahead of your brain again… No. I think the boy’s got the right idea. Sensei. Please. Do not make me lose all respect for you. Huh?
I concur. We must attack sometime. If they’re waiting for us at the platform, it saves us the time and the annoyance of looking for them. I get what you’re sayin’. If you’re looking for crawdads, you gotta turn over some rocks. Looking for some fucking what now? That’s a pretty sound principle. I hear no objections. Nell, please can I object? …I think they’re right. You’re not the one that’s going to be going toe-to-toe with Sturm, though! We’ll be right alongside you, my dude. Agreed. I wouldn’t have agreed with such a plan if you weren’t the one leading the assault. …Alright, fine. Then let us begin our advance on the missile platform. Waaaahooooo! Let’s get ‘em! Oh goddammit.
Bleh. Fuckin' power score sucks.
Grit is pretty cool as usual though. (Don't tell him I said that.)
And hey, at least the campaign score is on a multiple of 10 again! That was really starting to bug my OCD.
...So yeah. Next time, Sturm For Realsies. Or more accurately, the Night Before on like Wednesday, and then Sturm For Realsies this Friday. I am not looking forward to this fight at all...
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Part 45 Additional